I haven’t been on in months, I know. And miss being here and getting my thoughts out. But the trouble is that I don’t know what thoughts are my own anymore. I’m hesitant to express any opinion, because at this point I can express any opinion.
Five months ago I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, which includes what I call a “fracture in my soul” (Mary Reilly Jekyll/Hyde movie reference) and what the DSM-IV calls identity disturbance. I’ve had it longer than five months, but once it was out in the open, I stopped being able to say definitively that this is what I believe and that is just my mask.
Until I can figure out what my opinions are, until I can define a single belief system that I have rather than all the contradicting ones I have, until I can figure out what my values are and not just which values I happen to be closest to at the time, I don’t feel comfortable saying anything. I don’t like it. I feel silenced by my own indecision, by my own need to please everyone. I feel weak, like a bad person at best and an evil one at worst. These are all typical of borderline, but that doesn’t make saying it here any easier.
There’s more I want to say, like just how fucked up my mind is, but I think that would take us further into the depths of my personal hell than I want to inflict on anyone else.
I may chime in here now and then on safer topics than religion and politics, but the meatier stuff probably won’t be around here very soon.
